Oh husband where art thou?

Just to briefly touch on a few things that occurred to me this past week. And when I mean a few, I really mean one: The DorkyCute English teacher gave me his phone number.

Now we’ve had a few run ins over the years but nothing came about.

Examples:

November 2009:
Observe at high school X. Saw cute teacher.

February 2010
Observe for a week at HSX. Sitting in computer lab next to same guy. But wasn’t sure. We started talking. Asked if I was the same girl from November. Thought he was a history teacher but was an English teacher. Observation week over

September 2011
Student teaching starts. Noticed him in hallways. He noticed me. Science wing is upstairs to the left. English wing is downstairs to the right Mr. DorkyCute comes into my classroom. By passes shadow teacher. Walks to me a d asks if I was same girl from November and February. I confirmed. We chatted till the bell rang. I think it was his lunch period now. Totally weird

October 2011
- sat next to me in the faculty lounge. There were no more chairs available. So he got one and placed it next to mine
- Parent teaching meeting : quick chat between us. I left awkwardly. I wanted to get wasted.
- He haram off day and had lunch with me. Sat next to me. Started a conversation with me. I was midconversation with another teacher.

Then.

He gave me his phone number. Dun dun dun!!

Haha ok. So it was really sweet in a non stalkery way. I guess I made an impression. And I kind of like his straight forwardness about it. Like it wasn’t a big deal. It was really mature. – damn I dunno if I can someone who’s actually a real adult.

Girl vs girl??

This past weekend I went out with a recently acquired girlfriend who convinced me to participate in a date auction benefiting breast cancer awareness. The auction itself was an interesting experience and I realized that unless I had more confidence in myself I have no business being a part of something like that. My friend on the other hand reveled in it and was livid when she was only bought for 45, I 70, and others 350. Personally I was happy someone bid at 25. [ my starting bid was 25 and someone jumped it up to 60 woo!] Her reaction to her purchase is another story as I want to focus on something else about that night.

Anyways I was really concerned, insecure, and anxious that no one was going to bid on at me at the auction so I convinced my friend to attend the event. I was also hoping that he would bring a friend of his – codename: Captain McIWouldProposeToHimOnTheSpot. Well homeboy followed through along with Capt Wonderful. Neither one bid on me [assholes] or my friend [I kinda felt better about that]. But to progress the story along, the second my friend laid eyes on TallWhiteAndYummy, she was determined to flirt shamelessly with him. And the way that she flirts is a very aggressive, slightly mean, kind of emasculating, way of teasing. I get it because I do it too sometimes… all the time. Now I figured, no way. This kid is NOT going to fall or indulge this woman’s antics. 1) She’s annoying as FUCK when attention isn’t centered around her and her princess crown 2) She’s not that pretty just very skinny. 3) She’s really mean and feels entitled that men treat her like a rare diamond. So no… NO WAY is this AmazingMeasureOfAMan going to fall for someone incredibly self centered and superficial.
But just like everything else in my life… I. WAS. WRONG.
Homie most definitely indulged and flirted back. I barely spoke to the man. Towards the end I couldn’t stand it. I had to leave. My world was shaken. Who was this guy!? This is not the image I had pictured in my head. And HELL yeah did I look jeally. Oh fucking well. YOu know what. OK I’ll admit it. I was jealous. Dammit I sold for 70! Imeancmon!!!

Basically I just didn’t expect that. From her, yes. Him? No.

I guess now I’m just writing about this situation because I can’t understand a few things and I’m hoping writing this all out would help me sort it all out.
I didn’t understand why my friend would hit on this guy when:
She had a date after the auction lined up
She just got back from a date before the auction took place
She was texting two different (excluding the two above) men
And why does attention have to solely be centered on her?
Why does she get what I want and I don’t?
And no don’t say it’s because she’s aggressive and she’s a self starter. This isn’t a business proposition. This is an interaction with another human being. I don’t believe that you need to act like a lion on the prowl looking for lamb to slaughter. It’s not a conquest. It’s not a competition. It’s a person and getting to know them. She wasn’t getting to know him. She was telling him how awesome she is and how she deserves to be treated.
Honey, you should never rely on ANYONE ELSE to treat you the way you believe to be treated. That dependency on another person to make you feel like a princess is absurd. One of the biggest qualities of a woman is the independent ability to provide emotional stability for herself. Girl you don’t need no man to treat you like a princess, you just need yourself. Also something that pisses me off about this chick: her lack of humbleness. I’ll leave it at that.
I also didn’t understand why this dude was totally all about it!
But more importantly. I didn’t understand why I was upset.
Was it about the guy?
Or was it about the attention?

I think I’m adult enough to admit that it was the latter versus the former. It has nothing to do with the guy but EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I couldn’t get the same attention she was getting. It upset me and it made me feel unpretty.

But I realize now. Yup. Just now. That I can’t act like that. Attention is highly reinforcing but at the same time it’s not something I should rely on to provide comfort and reassurance that I’m attractive and worth the conversation. I need to know my own worth and exude that to others. Probably one of the biggest reason I didn’t get as much of a conversation is that he can tell that I was feeling insecure, anxious, and unpretty.

Anyways. It’s a journey isn’t it. Trying to find your pretty. Your importance. Your worth. But everything is a learning process. Everything’s a journey.

I’m tired.
goodnight.

*** Just as a disclaimer: There are a bunch of great things about my friend. She has a very great sense of humor and she does have a softer side. She is caring and considerate. She wants to be involved with someone but I feel that she is finding them in the wrong places. I also believe that what she is looking for doesn’t equate to the type of men her attitude leads her towards. aka girl is too damn bitchy for most men with a backbone.

oh herrooo :]

It’s been quite some time hasn’t it?

Here’s what’s different in my life

I’ve moved to Hoboken!
Apparently, here in NJ, moving to Hoboken is one of those big steps towards adulthood and independence. I’ve never quite realized this until I noticed the responses I received when I told my friends that I’m moving to the ‘boken. I can see where most of them are coming from as the Mile Square does boast a plethora of watering holes – be it a swanky lounge, a grimy dive bar (those are my favorites – Mulligan’s WASSUP?!, or a classy wine night out with the girls ( or guys). There is something for everyone when it comes to letting loose after work during happy hour, on the weekends, or Thursday – the new Friday.
There are also a shit load of restaurants. They have Greek, Italian, American, Indian, Malay, Portuguese, Korean, Asian Fusion, Japanese, Chinese, Pizzeria ( hint to Bennys!), Mediterranean, Steak, Run of the Mill Bar food which is still priced at like 17 fucking dollars for a fucking order of hot wings… but hey… a bit of something for everyone right?

So along with having moved to this glorious town that takes about 15-45 minutes to find street parking… I’m also broke as FUCKING HELL.
Why do you ask? Well that’s because I live in fucking Hoboken. If it isn’t the restaurants that take my money, it’s the liquor. If it’s not the liquor that take my money its the fucking Hoboken Parking Utility ( aka Parking Nazis. Actually scratch that – I think they are worse than Nazis and the European Colonists who shat on the Native Americans…COMBINED). And if it’s not the HPU that rapes me of my already depleting funds – its the fucking gas I spend standing in traffic trying to get the fuck out of Hoboken so I can go to work, the gas I spend standing in traffic trying to get the fuck BACK into Hoboken so I can go home and the gas I spend driving for at least 30 minutes in the fucking town trying to get a fucking parking spot so I can finally fucking go Home.
** Up side – I’ve become an excellent Left Hand parallel parker **

I’ve (re)started Graduate school!
YAY!!!! WOOO FINALLY! Ahh my glorious news of achievement. If anyone has ever read any of the previous entries in this dead zone of blabber, I was in a very emotionally destructive and taxing errrr SITUATION, so I dropped out for a year. In short, I was a shit show and so was my life. I lost like 15 pounds, I was distraught, depressed, and a waste of fucking life. But I got my shit together – didn’t you know… I moved to Hoboken.
Anyways I’m finally finishing my coursework. If all things go well, I’ll have a Masters in Secondary Education by March 2012. I’m currently student teaching in a wonder(fucking)ful High School in North Jersey.
Ok. In all honesty, it’s not a bad high school. It’s not a rich school but it does the best it can. It has smart boards and a great community of teachers and administrative staff. The students are sweet but some are down right fucking obnoxious and if I ever want a job in the school system ever, I will refrain from living out my dream of shaking, punching, beating, and kicking the ‘hood/gangsta/baaad ass bitch/OG’ out of them. Overall, minus the bitterness, it’s a wonderful experience and I cannot wait until I get the opportunity to teach on my own. I’ve come to realize that there is a lot more to teaching that what most pretentious douchebags think there is. It’s a hard job and we get paid fucking vacation because can you handle 25 kids with drama, attitudes, hormones, parent issues, other family issues, behavior issues, substance abuse issues ( at 14), teacher issues, learning issues ( not the pc term. OH well), relationship issues… on TOP of making sure they pass their Chapter 4 test? Oh and multiply 25 kids about 4-6 times depending on how many classes you teach. Go ahead and shit your teacher-hating ass.
SUCK MY DICK YOU HATERS and I will GLADLY take your tax money.

OH did I mention I’m a FAT MOTHER FUCKER NOW?
In the previous paragraphs I made mention that I lost 15 pounds in my emotional crisis, well guess what MOFOS??!! I gained it all back… and then went for a victory lap. I gained about 20-25 pounds since I eliminated that piece of shit out of my life. I think I needed it. I mean people cope in different ways. I did it through drinking and eating my way into being broke – ZING!
Anyways!!!!!!!!……it’s something that really does bother but I frankly have NO time to schedule exercise in. I try. I have a gym membership. I go …about twice every three months. I should cancel. I’m pretty fucking poor.

And last but not least : I hate my life. . . . .
OK I don’t. I have a pretty decent life since my last update …er… 7 months ago? I’m on my own, pretty independent, single (-______- that’s another rant), and working hard towards a better life for myself. I’m not depending on anyone. I’m doing every thing that I want. And I’m growing up. I’m learning responsibility. I’m learning how to get along with who I am and establishing a pretty solid foundation for my future. I am proud and I don’t give myself the time to see or acknowledge it. I also think I’ve grown a bigger set of balls. I’m much more confident in my ability to work, I’m more outspoken and willing to talk about important subjects without being afraid of being wrong. I can admit that I’m wrong and I’ve gotten a lot better at communicating with others. At 25, I’m finally a big girl now. Imagine that.

Ugh

Don’t you girls hate it when you meet this completely douchebag but you are magnetically drawn to his dick personality. And you do all the right things like ignore him but the second he give you attention you’re hooked. Addicted. Can’t get enough of it. And it’s not like he’s a looker so you can’t say you are being shallow but his self assured arrogance is intensely attractive. And you just don’t know what to do. You can’t stop thinking about how to flirt with him. It’s intoxicating. And you can’t get rid of this freakish new obsession.

It’s Such a Shame ladies. Bc it’s happened to me.

I’m gonna go running to get this energy out. I can’t deal with this. Hahahhaha

Love Letter to my Demon… ?

im over it. Goodbye.

Love Letters to my Demon vi

I cry everyday because of you.
EVERY DAY.
I’m literally in physical pain.

You are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep
And you are the first thing I think of when I go to bed.

You give me nightmares each night.
And you wake me up each morning.
And I have to deal with that. I have to live with the fact that you have literally broken me.

Love Letters to my Demon iii

Dear Demon

YOU GOT CAUGHT SON!

me:btw… you never answered my question before.
how many times did you guys fuck ?

her: sorry but i dont need to tell u how many times we fucked. its prolly best if u dont know, idk why ur asking in the first place. are u guys still talking? and what the fuck u mean he beats women. he has fuckin issues wow

me: because i took him back after you guys fucked once. and i want to know becuase it’s really killing me inside and that’s all i think about. so if i know i can know how much of a dick he is. and yeah he’s punched and choked me more than a couple times.
so i guess that’s why i want to know. i just need to get over it and if i know how many times and realize how stupid i was… i can get over the hump. it’s driving me fucking crazy bc look at doing right now. haha

her: honestly, we are still talkin and seein each other. he lives really close to me up at school. but, as far as im concerned, i’m still technically single because our personalities kinda clash. he has a lotta anger n i dont do that bc i got my own attitude n shit to deal with. it seems like hes going through a rough time in his life.. i dont think he should be involved with anyone to be honest.

me: yeah i agree.. so just please… how many times. i’d would really help me out.

her: i cant give you an exact number, but we’ve still been sleeping with each other even after you took him back or whatever i guess? he didnt really tell me he was back with u after all that so idk..

me: so i guess its a lot…and what kind of anger issues are you talking about?

me: btw… sorry for the drama… i’ve really just been thinking about myself lately… and i had mad issues due to the fucker …

her: i can see why. i mean, honestly, i just got outta a 3 year relationship and im still dealing with shit too. sometimes, its good just to take a minute for yourself. anger issues? idk how to explain. intense fighting/yelling? bc im not the type to back down.. if someone yells at me, u know damn well i will fuckin yell back hahaa. i dont put up with ppls bullshit..

me: oh and thank you! i appreciate the honesty and you probably think im fucking crazy… which is fine… i would too if i was in your shoes.

her: n what do u mean he bruised u or w/e? he hit u?? like wtf… forreal..

me: good. yell back. i never did. i was really passive aggressive about things. that’s how things got really violent with us. and he would push me around and hit me. so good that you fight back. since i never fought back bc i “loved” him… he kept hitting me. i dont think he’ll hit you if you fight back. but just be careful.

me: yeah for real. i had to contact his dad about it. and that’s why he’s not allowed to talk to me anymore otherwise he’ll be financially cut off and have no money for school. if you look at his hand… there’s a bite mark… that’s from me from biting his hand bc i finally fought back. he gagged me to keep me from screaming.

her: well thanks for the precaution. i think ill be alright, and i know you will too.
hes fuckin psycho. o m g.

me: he choked me until i couldn’t breathe. punched me, threw me, slammed me, pulled my hair, and slapped me more times than i can count. he also pulled a knife on me so he can rip up my underwear. he did that twice. yeah girl.. watch yourself. and whatever chris tells you… that’s up to you to believe. but you see the anger issues.

her: was that recently? wtf. i dont even wanna know what provoked that but fuck no.. if he tries that shit on me, its overrrrr. he already came out with me n my friends in philly and fuckin started yelling n screamin at me for no damn reason n my boy from philly rocked him cuz soorrrry u aint talkin to me like that. haha. i m not scared of him and he already knows he’s gonna get what he deserves if he talks to me or ANY girl like that.

me: oh and i’m soo sorry about this… really i am… i got really impulsive and sent chris a very angry message. i know i probably fucked you over. but i dunno just say that im a crazy lunatic and you don’t believe a word i say or somehting. i don’t want him to get pissed at you and hurt you.

her: what did u say to him? just so i know bc i know hes gonna say something to me now..

me: OMG! he told me about that fight! and told me that it was some black chick’s bf and shit. you know he was talking to me that entire night. he’s fucking playing you too girl. take care for yourself… he’s not worth the drama or the potential bullshit. and what did he say that provoked the fight. i told him that you told me everything..and this was just when you sent me your second message.

her: r u serious? i was pissed bc he was on the fone.. wow. he said he was on the fone with his parents n shit.. o m g. hahahah this is too fuckin funny rite now

me: yeah girl! he would come over my house for like three-four days and shit. and he would make me fuck him. i wanted us to work on our relationship bc he wanted to marry me. we looked at engagement rights!

her: … lol this is too much. thanks for the heads up.

me: i didn’t want to fuck him…he would be like girl youre the best. our sex is always the best. i cum so good with you. i love you and sex with someone you love is always so much better. everytime i touch your body i get so hard i need to be wtih you… he’s such a dick.
yeah.. he’s fucked up in the head.. and legit sorry for hating on you. give me a break… he was fucking you when he was telling me he loved me.

her: well i dont wanan talk to this kid and i hope u arent some dumb crazy bitch who goes back out with the kid. hes fucked up n i aint dealin with ur drama or his.. this is tooooo much. thanks.

me: i mean he even made me his dog’s mom on facebook bc he wanted to prove how serious he was for me.. even gave me flowers. yeah def girl. take care of yourself and becareful. we all deserve better than this. and yeah the last instance was recent.. it was saturday night/sunday morning.

her: what was saturday/sunday morning? i needa cut this kid off. its too much damn drama.. like wtf n it iant even that fuckin serious

me: when he choked me and shit until i couldn’t breathe. hahah i dunno i just think you should do. you like your life… cut it off.. i like mine … so i cut it off.

her: but if ur sayin u cut it off, why are u guys still interacting with each other? i didnt know he was still seeing u… he saw u this last weekend? like thats enough for me to be done. sorry i can find someone alot better.. n so can u

me: yeah its done girl. see when you’re completely deluded you make excuses for the dude. i finally stopped making excuses. because i finally realize that what he was telling me didn’t make sense. like i would interrogate him over and over again and his stories always had a small difference. so did my own thing and hung out with my friends without tell him… i never cheated.. i shoulda but i thought i could do better than that… but when he kept asking me if i cheated… i finally realized he was still cheating. because i knew that he was only asking questions that he was guilty of. so yeah we don’t talk girl and thanks for saying that… i means something ya know. i had my fill last saturday/sunday. he never choked me so hard that i didn’t even get a chance to cough out any air bc of how good he got my throat… i was a dumb fucking bitch. but better late than never. oh and to answer ur question…he saw me every weekend.

her: wow. im so sorry he has so many damn issues n took them out on u. thats not right. i know hes gettin counseling n shit n his bitch ass def. needs it. hes been tryna play me n say hes only talkin to me, yet hes still fuckin n talkin to u? like omg. i dont need this.. forreal. n its good u didnt cheat. u actually have a conscience.. something that alotta ppl lack these days. im glad u hit me up n told me this. i thought u were crazy b4 lol but u just tryna warn me.. its good bc all my friends told me to stop talkin to this kid. this is enough for me to actually realize how pyscho the kid is

me: we even went to arizona together when his grandma died and he planned a trip for us to go to boston at the end of the month.. he’s a fucking lunatic piece of shit.

her: u went to arizona with him? oh wow… wow. thank u so much for telling me all this. u just saved me alotta wasted time..

me: hey girl.. don’t let him do what he did to me… because of him.. i’m legit crazy. i have no fucking self esteem left. and all i do is fucking cry. each time you guys see each other and you guys fight… think of what he did to me. and do better for yourself. i dont know what you’ve been through and watever but damn… no one needs that in their life. yeah.. any questions you have girl.. i’m more than happy to answer.

her: idk. if u guys wanan be together, go ahead. but i m not wasting time on this nemore. its not worth it and im not stupid enough to stick around to find that out even later on.. after everything u told me, im soo done. soooo done.

me: ahah if i still had pictures id show you but i deleted that shit bc i couldn’t stand to look at his face. nah girl… i dont need to end up beaten so bad i can’t walk… i dont need that in my life. he can find another girl to push around. she’ll be in god’s hands that’s for sure.

her: haha omg. well thank u for keeping it real. i had no idea n he woulda played methis whole time. im soo fed up wtih fuckin retarded ass guys wowww

me: yeah i know… and yeah he told me about pete sim.. sorry for bringing that up. its not my business.. but if pete was a piece of work.. imagine what chris can be!

me: yeah me n peters business was our own. only me n him know how much we cared about each other, despite all the nonsense bullshit. but thats private. and chris mentions that shit once in awhile just to upset me.. its rude n i hate his personality for that. just don’t fall for his bs girl. don’t. and dont stick around and talk to other dudes… like legit that’s what got him to start hitting me. he found out that i slept with my ex when we were talking. and im like.. seriously? we were not together… you can be upset.. but you shouldn’t hit me. and ever wonder why his texts keep on deleting ? bc he deletes him so that we dont see him texting us… i was fucking “jdog ” in his phone and i juts found that out last weekend.

me: girl he mentions all my exes. he sat me down and forced me to tell him how many people i hooked up with… and called me a slut for it. he even made me tell him how things went down… second for second…detail for detail… he’s starting the pattern with you.

her: wow really. no, dont worry, im really done. i cant deal with ppl like that. he has his own issues n he should really work them out and ill be damned if he EVER hit me.. lol i know enough ppl who would really hurt him if he did that. i feel so stupid, even tho i know it wasnt my fault, but like WTF hes not even all that.. at all.. and i still believed him.. what a fuckin asshole

me: girl.. please lend me one of your boys. i wouldn’t mind him getting a beating.. or his car getting a not so little keyed scratched…

her: yeah seriously. he scratched his car while driving and he got pissed at ME for that. like WTF i wasnt driving ur car. get hte fuck outta here.

me: hahahahah i think he keyed my car… i have this suspicious looking “plus” sign mark that’s fucking deep as hell.. like no scratch would make a fucking plus sign… no natural patten in the world can make a fucking perfect mark on the hood of my ride. btw… when did you two start hooking up? just curious..

her: hahaha omg. yeah tahts def. someone doing that. wooww. hes so psycho. im mad as hell he lives so close to me at school. whatever, im ignoring his dumb ass. like forreal. i dont tolerate guys like that. hes always askin me if we stop talkin can we be friends canwe b friends.. like FUCK NO ARE U CRAZY lol…. idk .. middle of may or some shit

me: girl.. he refused to let me go.. i was like..dude maybe we can be friends? but i can’t be with you.. but he was determined.. he was like.. you’re the one… im not gonna let this go. i know you love me… we’re gonna be together just let me prove it to you. bullshit bullshit bullshit. ohh aight guess he wasn’t lying about that. good for him some decency came out of his sorry foul mouth.

her: this kid is so fuckin stupid.. who thinks he can play both of us n not have either one of us find out? like seriously…

me: yeah well.. girl i tried to hit you up!

her: i didnt know it was like thissss.. omgsh. but im listening now n appreciate what ur telling me..i already told him im done n to erase my number. i have no problem cutting ppl like him outta my life tho.. forreal.

me: yeah girl! im not crazy. upset as hell but not crazy. listen.. when girls come at you and you think they are crazy.. they are not.. they have a reason to why they came at you.. i learned that with a previous experience. that’s why i’d rather come at yuo … and warn you bc guys are fucking dumb and stupid and shady and skeevy as hell! hahah he came at you just now! haha good for you girl.. do waht i couldn’t do!

her: nope he didnt even write nething back. but i dont care. im not listening to him later or ever for matter of fact. hes much too much trouble for what hes actually worth.

me: fuck yeah girl. do you. be careful. don’t fall back into it like i did. i was fucking weak and im ashamed as fuck.

her: dont be ashamed. its hard to not go back when hes telling u one thing or another, hes playin games n u got sucked in.. but u seem like u realize now he was foolin u. tellin u what u wanted to hear even tho hes been lyin the whole time. ohh god. guys like him do not deserve girls like us.

me: yeah girl. thanks for listening to me. i really appreciate it. and again sorry for hating on you. it wasn’t ur fault you were just doing ur thing. its fucking ridiculous because when i met him… he wans’t even that fucking cute!

me: he’s fucking crazy gave me a fucking ring and everything to show me that he’ was sorrry for cheating … asssholle! ugh!

her: hahahaha i feel the same way. not cute at all to be likin a kid like THAT. oh god. well i appreciate all ur HONESTY. its nice to hear honest words for once. thanks for watching out. and good luck .. there are GOOD guys out there. dont give up hope cuz im nt just bc of him lol

me: yeah girl you too! thanks!! again if you have any more quesitons i’d be glad to answer! i love blowing up his spot bc ppl need to fucking know he’s fucking grimy as fuck.

her: hahah thank u. i will b hittin u up for sure if nethin happens or w/e.. but as of right now, this kid is dead to me. doesnt exist. thats how im dealin with it hahaha hes better off dead in my bookss

me: haha yeah im trying hard not to be a crazy bitch and come at his friends to tell them his bullshit. there’s another girl he talks to and im like.. damn girl is too good for that…

her: i wonder if his friends knew too? thats so fucked up.. wow.

me: yeah probably not… haha he lied to ppl he was fucking… he was probably lying to other ppl.

her: very trueee. oh wow.just knowin him a lil bit, i can tell he has soo many mental problems. i hope he fixes himself b4 he fucks around with other girls.

me: listen.. guys like that try to get as much gratification as possible. he has serious insecurity issues and the type of girl he’s looking for a divine virgin that will do anything for him. that’s what jody was like. and when he dated ngoc… a normal girl that has had a past with other ppl… he flipped out and punched holes in teh wall.. did you ever notice that the whole got bigger once? that was for me… when he found out about me and my ex.

her: yeah. idk what hes thinking. hes not gonna find some pure innocent girl who will devote her fuckin life to him. i already told him he has posessive/dominance issues n clearly its because hes insecure about himself.

me: yeah .. he made me wear shorts under my dresses and he would get pissed if bent over and my shirt was loose and ppl can see my cleavage. he fucking hated it when i hung out with my boys.. he didn’t even let me dance with girls at parties. he wanted me to tattoo his name on my hip… and he said.. you love tattoos anyways.. so why not dedicate one to me? fucking retard.

her: wtf. hes soo fuckin weird. lol he has serious, serious mental issues. im telling u. ive never met a guy who is so off the wall as him..

me: yeah.. im at a cross roads on whether or not i should blow up his spot but… i know that’s gonna bite me in the ass somehow. but good luck girl… i gotta peace and get my life back together. and when i asked about you .. he never had anything nice to say… i bet he had the same demeanor about me too. he’s a sick psychopath.

her: yeah. i mean thats up to u. im just cuttin him out. i want nothin to do with him.. at all. but yeah good luck gettin back on track. dont let a guy demean who u are as a person. ever.

me: Thanks. Means a lot. Same goes for you girl.
—–

now… regardless of whether or not you see her again and fuck her again… that’s on the both of you. but darling I’m over you. I’m not over the pain, the disrespect, and the humiliation you caused me. But I will never see you as a decent human being ever again. Btw, I never thought you were that cute to begin with. I kinda thought you were an easy hook up. But I gave you a shot and wanted to prove that I could be good to you. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. But you weren’t good to me. So the girl that you are fucking, trying to fuck, or what have you right now… she’s in God’s hands. I’ll pray for her.

-Love you… always…

Disclaimer*

For anyone out there that reads things… yes I am crazed and irrational.
I use this as a medium to help rediscover my sanity and rationality.

Don’t judge me.

If you do. Fuck you. And get out.
You’re as sick as my Demon who turned me into this.

If anyone reads, know its just a place to put my feelings into “paper”. So I can stop thinking about them repeatedly. It’s better that they are here than in my head where i will go crazy.

You can call me over dramatic. Fine. But who are you to tell me what helps me move on in my life? Everyone has issues. This is how I’m dealing with mine.

Thankfully no one really reads this. But for the select .000001% who do… bear with me. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

when you cry hard enough and you cry often enough. the back of your head starts to hurt

Love Letters to my Demon ii

I’ve decided to write to you everyday through this medium until I’m strong enough not to.