since my last rant, the relationship has gotten better.
I actually came across an epiphany!
and it is.. drum roll please…
I have a lot of growing up to do.
I’m clearly not ready for the curve balls life has to throw at me. Not at work, not in relationships. Nick helped me sort of realize that. I definitely feel that we grew up completely different but he brings a lot of insight. He makes me life less stringent. I’m a lot more relaxed now. I just do what makes me happy and honestly, isn’t that what you’re so supposed to do. What’s the point in life if you don’t? People can argue that they go to work to support their family and keep a roof over their heads, but keeping their family thriving is what makes them happy isn’t it? They are doing what they are doing to sustain their happiness. I’ve also come to realize that there is a lot of bargaining with it comes to happiness. A lot of “If I do this, I can get that”. There is nothing wrong with that. Not at all. But I just realized that if you don’t do what makes you happy, you’re going to regret so many parts of your life.
With that said. Nick makes me happy. At least for now. Who knows. I’m an evolving creature.
Jump starting my career makes me happy. Supporting other people makes me happy. Making people feel better makes me happy.
So I think I should absolutely quit my job. It does not make me happy. I understand that there are people in the world that do not have jobs right now and would do anything to be in my position. But what’s the point if I’m miserable. I don’t want to cry each morning I get up for work. I think that’s absurd. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be happy when I wake up. Granted I will NEVER be happy waking up in the morning at an ungodly hour ( aka before 10) but I want to be able to wake up knowing that there is something I’m going to do today that I’m going to be proud of. I’m not proud of anything at my job.
I got into graduate school for a reason and that’s so that I may move forward. And I’m thinking maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time to move forward.
I don’t really know what I’m going to do for money. I don’t really care. I have enough to sustain myself for a little while until I find a part time job. I don’t think I can do full time work and full time school at the same time anyways, so part time will be ideal. I will lose benefits so I want to get all that taken care of before I depart from my wonderful job. 
I’m thinking of trying to last til Christmas. I think I can do my best to do it. But the days are so long and the weeks are so hard.
What also makes me happy, is staying fit and exercising. I never knew this about myself, but I’ve come to realize that I get stressed out very easily and I get incredibly anxious and unhappy. I don’t like that part of myself. I don’t want to do that to myself and my body. So I feel that regular exercise and diet will boost my self esteem, my confidence, and therefore my happiness level. I want to have a daily regiment. Nothing to hard but something that’s challenging. I’m pretty excited and I think that once I relieve myself from my awful position I’ll be able to jump start my goals.
One more point.
I was watching Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture and frankly it was one of the most inspiring lectures I have ever come across in my entire life. I try to remember every point and every ideal that Randy was expressing in his lecture. Honestly, those are some lucky kids to have a dad so dedicated as Randy and God bless them because unfortunately Pausch eventually passed away due to his cancer. I try to remember Randy repeating the phrase ” childhood dreams” and how to follow them. A lot of dreams are dreamt and easily forgotten and I wish that wasn’t the case. I want to be able to follow my dream. I didn’t know what it was but I figured it out. I was in church, yes people I was in church. A representative was speaking about social commitment and stewardship. As I was listening I was finally able to formulate the crazy ideas and the urges I’ve had since I was younger. I want to help others and make their lives better. I definitely knew that was my dream. That was my purpose in life. That is what I was brought on earth to do. This is my mission. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but that’s what I’m going to do. So I want to volunteer more and be more active in my community. I want to be there for others and provide them counsel and hope. That’s what I want to do. That is my childhood dream.
And that is what will make me happy.
I’m going to do everything I can from this point forward to move towards these goals.
Quit my job that loathe.
Exercise and be proud of myself.
Find Stewardship.
Help others.
I just want to remind myself of the story of the Good Samaritan. This story touched me when I was in first grade when I first read it and it still does till this day. I think that was the first feeling of stewardship I had.
since i last posted here.
i sorta kind cheated on my boyfriend.
he was an asshole. it’s no excuse. but he apparently made out with some chick at his birthday party in the clubs, where lots of people saw. and i was totally there and no one minded to tell me.. wtF?
he also wasn’t that great of a boyfriend. he punched holes in the wall and that shoulda been the deal breaker right there.
So instead i hooked up with this dude from my class. He’s older and douchier.
He became my boyfriend soon after i broke it up with the hole punching, other girl kissing asshole.
so after a few months of being with this older douche, it’s starting to fizzle.
listen he can be a good guy. but i dont know. i think things just calmed down and it wasn’t the way i thought it would be.
i thought he would constantly support me. and be there for me. i thought that he would always hold my hand when we walk down the street. i thought he would cuddle with me at bed late at night and in the mornings when we would wake up becuase the sun was so fricking bright. i thought he’d kiss me. and not just kiss me, but KISS me. like he liked me.
he used to say he loved me.
now he says he’s falling in love me.
i think we’re dying.
i makes me sad.
i dont know what to do.
Because this shit is empty and I didn’t want to post it on facebook.
Oh and I was procrastinating running 10 miles / studying for my exam.
1. I am afraid of worms. Not really afraid but I just highly dislike them and I find them unnatural. I don’t like things that seem unnatural. I get jumpy when I see them. I never had this problem until I went to Rutgers and I was always able to tolerate them before. Heck I used to play with them when I was four!!!!! I dunno… I just find them unnatural and thinking about them… kinda makes me wanna hurl and have a panic attack
2. I like to eat. Which is not really a random fact, but a known fact. I eat anything in front of me. Even if I’m not hungry. I think it’s due to my oral fixation ( yeah yeah lets get the dirty jokes out of the way.. but im serious I just like the act of eating itself) During summer school, my friend would be amazed at how much food I was able to pack and eat for only an 80 min class. During sophomore year of college, my roommate never saw me without food in my mouth or me preparing food and now at work, another friend would always catch me eating.
3. Purple is my proclaimed favorite color. But I actually hated it until I did some psychological thing where I forced myself to like it. It happened in highschool. My friends made this art club where they drew anime and brainstormed manga ideas. In true anime fashion, each person had their own color and nickname ( blue, red, & green). I wanted to get in on the fun and I had ideas swirling in my head for mangas! But their rationalization as to why im not part of their special club was because I didn’t have a set color or a set nickname ( Oh and I totally sucked at drawing manga!). Well one day, my bookbag broke and I had to resort to his awful barney looking one strap bag from the Gap. I was railed… so I turned a negative into a positive. And so I used to try to get into the club! But you needed actual talent and skill which I didn’t quite have.. so fail.
4. I sleep with a stuffed toy penguin at night. It looks mad old, like I’ve had it since I was 4. I’ve had it since I was 15. I used to fight with my 5 year old brother about who gets to sleep with Mr. Penguin. I was dedicated to my man. My brother’s 13 now and to piss me off, he tries and steal Mr. Penguin and occasionally threatens to throw him to Snowball, my ravage Papillion dog. (that dog tore apart the stuff toy I really did have since I was 4… asshole pup!)
5. I procrastinate. A lot. It frustrates me that I don’t find the motivation to work at a timely manner. I wish I was better at that. But thinking of it makes me want to procrastinate more.
6. I’m stubborn beyond belief. I hate being told what to do. If you want me to do something, manipulate me into believing it’s something I want to do. But I’ll probably do what you want me to do…. Eventually because I need to convince myself that I want to do it.
7. I lack follow through. I have great ideas and fantastic ambitions, but I’m my own worst enemy. I guess I’m so afraid at failing at those things I want to do, that it’s not worth the jump off.
8. I’m a huge hypocrite. I can admit it at least. I try to stay consistent but I have this problem where I just want to agree with people and make them happy and tell them what they want to hear, that I’ll say yes to one thing and one person, and then I’ll say yes to another thing and another person that completely contradicts what I agreed to earlier. It’s weird
9. I like the number eight. I think it’s better than the number 9. Eight is infinity. No beginning, no end.
10. I probably spend about 40% of my day on facebook. It’s a procrastination tool I use. I told you have a jump off problem and facebook is my medium for failure. I even gave it up for lent one year in hopes that I would free myself from its evil clutches… did not happen.
11. I do this weird thing, where I try to use commonly used phrases like “I don’t leave any stone unturned” but I mess it up because I don’t quite remember them correctly and instead I say “I don’t leave any corner unturned”. In fact sometimes, I have to google the correct phrase before I say it. Because I look like such a fool by messing up these phrases!
12. When I’m drunk… I magically know all the words to most Red Hot Chili Peppers songs and maybe even Bon Jovi songs. I hate Bon Jovi. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but singing along to them is hard!
13. To further explain number 12, I can’t remember a lyric for the life of me. Even if I drill the chorus, I can still manage to fuck it up and make up my own words.
14. I used to play the violin and the piano. I secretly wish my parents weren’t typical Asians and constantly nagged me on playing and practicing. Honestly, what the fuck did they know? I know that it doesn’t good, I did not need you telling me that I had to practice more because I sounded awful. You just made me not want to practice. I quit because of them. I kinda hold a grudge against them for that.
15. I wish I had more friends so when I want to get away and go on vacation, I’ll have people to go with.
16. I don’t clean up. It’s another part of my procrastination. I know that it’ll get messy again, so why bother?
17. I don’t sleep on a bed. I sleep on a sofa. My parents don’t love me.
18. I love to watch movies, but I hate watching movies twice unless I really like it or it’s on one of those movie channels. I won’t pay for a movie twice and I will not suggest getting a movie from blockbuster if I’ve already seen it. If it does happen, I will be talking for the entire movie.
19. I secretly wish to quit my job and open up a bakery. Too bad I a) don’t have good baking skills and b) have amazing eating skills… but that means that I’ll eat all that I bake.
20. The friends I have in high school, barely talk to me now. I guess it was college, personality changes and various drama that happened amongst each other. A part of me wishes that we can let that all be water under the bridge… but let’s just say I’m not losing sleep over them not calling me. I’m pretty apathetic about it now at this point.
21. I judge people. Absolutely. But then I get over my judgements and let the people either prove me wrong… or unfortunately prove me right. This is a bad quality because I have missed out on many possible friendships because of my judgements. And it actually put me (and still puts me) in awkward positions with many of the people I interact with.
22. I used to do muay thai. I got my ass kicked by a Spanish chick who was about 5 inches shorter than me and three years younger than me. Then we had rematch… she still kicked my ass, but not as hard as before. I held my own. xD
23. I don’t like milk chocolate. I like dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is too sweet and after awhile its disgusting.
24. Yeah I eat cereal! I can eat that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. SPECIAL K! BASIC 4!!! HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS!!! wtF –notices cereal box is empty- .. MA where’s my fucking cereal?!?!?! (yes everyone I’m referencing my favorite youtube clip haha) But in all seriousness, I think I like cereal more than I like rice.
25. Because Kara asked for a shout out. Brower breakfast is the shit. Fuck all of you haters. There’s nothing better in the morning other than greasy bacon and questionable looking omelette mix to make that hang over go away. <3 oh and breakfast is probably about the only thing I can cook. Omelettes, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles, you name it and I can whip it up like nothing. Legit meals like steak and chicken franchaise are beyond me.
Are we moving to Splitsville?
He and I are on a break.
because he’s a douchebag boyfriend who would rather cancel night plans with his girlfriend on their anniversary and instead go out to dinner with his female friends who he just HASN’T seen in SUCH a long time ( girl1 he saw three weeks ago, girl2 he talks to constantly on aim/phone and was at his house a week earlier, and girl3 he works with….. seriously) and then go out clubbing with them to another girl’s birthday party… who he made out with once and tried to get with.
wtF?
And I’m the one feeling like I’m the bad guy in the relationship. I’ve done some pretty shady and emotionally insecure/unstable things to this guy, but Jesus this is the second time he has done this ( refer to previous post).
I as a person deserve better than this. No amount of dinners, flowers, nights out on the town, can compare to how… secondary he makes me feel. I understand that he has a lot of friends and that he’s a popular guy, but he can’t constantly put me on the backburner when it’s convenient for him to do so.
And let me reiterate… I’m the one that feels like I’m the bad guy. That I’m the one who has done the terrible job and that I hope and pray he’ll call and take me back. But the good Lord and I both know that Loverboy is gonna go do me wrong again. How do you know that you ask? Well because the first time he did this to me, I talked to him about it and we were ok. Then he does it to me a week later. wtF? Kid needs to learn how to listen. He’s in a relationship with another human being he has to learn how to be considerate. Or even yet… practice common courtesy. When you have plans with Party A…. DO NOT make plans with Party B. Or have the audacity to cancel plans with Party A ( on your effing anniversary) to hang out and club with Party B.
I’m not asking for a lot. Just fucking to think ahead and realize… “Oh shit.. maybe just maybe, I shouldn’t try to cancel plans with my girlfriend we made them about three days ago. Maybe I should spend quality time with her. Yeah maybe I should do that.”
Asshole.
Seriously.
This is fucking bullshit
apparently i only go on this thing when i need to rant.
but let’s be realistic, the sole existence of this is for me to rant on.
So let’s do this…
Dear WordPress,
I have recently started to date this guy . He’s super nice and sweet and he bought me flowers twice. He’s a good person and doesn’t have bad intentions. He really did get me hooked the second that I started talking to him. We immediately started to date. It seemed to fit so well, there weren’t any reason not to. It’s been about two months. It’s really quite new.
But we fight like it’s the end of the world.
It’s the way savages fight for food, when they know that the apocalypse is coming, and they need stock up in case they survive the impending doom. We fight so ferociously it’s frightening.
And I don’t know why.
It’s incredibly ridiculous why we start too!
I can say something with a tinge of sarcasm and he blows up over the phone. Listen, I know that I’m insecure. I know that I’m crazy. I know that I have issues. But who in the world doesn’t?! Ok, so let’s say that I have more issues than most normal people ( which I don’t think is true, everyone has some crazy shit they are dealing with) But it’s lets just say, for the sake of argument, that I am beyond repair. Let’s just say that I’m just so crazy and that he is a saint for dealing with my fucking bullshit.
So here’s an example:
Sunday Night
me: hey when are we hanging out again?
him: on tuesday!
me: oh yeah ? I didn’t know that?
him: yup, tuesday, we’ll hang out.
me: what will we do?
him: hmm, i dunno yet, we have monday to figure it out.
me: ok then! we’ll figure something out. 
Monday Evening
me: so what are your plans for this week since you’re on spring break?
him: hmm well im gona go to Ac, then on wednesday I’m gonna hang out with you…
me: no on tuesday, you said so
him: was it tuesday? umm.
me: yeah, you said so …
him: oh well um, i found out i have a dinner on tuesday actually
me: oh … -kinda ticked off-
him: yeah
me: oh…. thanks for telling me in advance
him: yeah i just found out today.
me thinking = what the fuck? we made plans on sunday………
me: oh …ok then. um.. who are you going with
him: my friend hannah.
me thinking = what the fuck? he fucking double books, completely forgets about our plans, and doesn’t even invite me to dinner with his friends as a compensation for being a dick….
me: oh yeah i remember her. who else are you going with?
him: her and matt
me thinking = what the fuck, i’m actually friends with matt!
me: oh wow well that sounds like fun.
him: are you mad?
me: well i’m a little annoyed, you should have told me earlier.
him: well i just found out today
me thinking = BUT YOU FUCKING MADE PLANS WITH ME FIRST YOU ASSHOLE! If I was in that situation, i would have rescheduled with Party B or combined the dates.
me: yeah, but still you know.. i can be ticked off.
him: you know whats with your attitude? why do you always make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends?
me thinking = WHAT THE FUCK ?!???!?!?!??!!??!?!?!
me: i dont try to do that! it’s just you made plans with me first, then made plans with someone else, and didn’t tell me and i had to find out the wrong way and you didn’t even ask me to reschedule. i’m allowed to be ticked off.
him: well i’m sorry i was going to ask you to reschedule and it came out the wrong way.
me thinking = that’s fucking bullshit. you should have told me the second i asked you what your plans were for the week! OMG YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG!
me: listen, just don’t worry about it, i’ll get over it.
him: this is fucking ridiculous
-start the 30 minute yelling match-
I dunno about you Dr. WordPress, but I think he overreacted.
But listen doc, I’m a crazy bitch. And a crazy bitch at the worse times too.
Here’s an example:
His birthday party in hoboken:
friend: yo, where’s you’re boyfriend?
me: eh he’s around getting drunk with his friends
friend: oh yeah, must be really popular
me: haha yeah he is actually, he has to make his rounds. what do you think of him?
friend: he’s cute. good job!
me: haha thanks
friend: yeah but he’s so MIA… lets grab a drink and look for him.
me: yeah good idea
-looks for him for about 20 minutes… no luck-
me: I dunno where he could be. He must just be bouncing back and forth between places.
friend: yeah… probably
me: lets grab another drink and maybe we’ll bump into him.
-20 minutes later, no luck, we’re on the line to the bathroom-
friend: yo! isn’t that you’re boyfriend? -points at asian man in white jacket entering men’s stall-
me: omg yeah!, Hey ( i dont want to use his real name so let’s call him Jack, after Jack Daniels) Jack!
-Jack doens’t hear me-
- I follow him to the men’s room-
me: are you ok?
him: arl gaeo;u f gwou dafi -drunken slur-
bouncer: sweetie, you’re not supposed to be in here
me: I know… -i leave and get back on line-
me thinking = he must be really drunk….
friend: wow he’s wasted
me: yeah .. it’s pretty bad.
-Jack leaves men’s room, walks right past me… i grab him… and try to kiss him, I haven’t seen him all night. I miss him =( -
-Jack barely responds…. it’s no use, I let him go. He walks away-
me thinking = omg he’s so drunk… =(
( im not gonna lie, at this point, I felt really neglected and … alone. but I gotta brush it off)
friend: dear, i dont think he’s that into you. that you’re on different levels. He doesn’t seem to care.
me: but he’s drunk. he’s probably had like a gazillion shots.
friend: fuck that, if i had that many shots, i’d be all over my significant other.
me: no don’t say that. he’s just really drunk -about to burst into tears-
-Jack is walking towards me, tries to hides the tears-
-Jack walks past me… through doors, past me… WTF?-
me: where is he going? Jack
friend: Omg he just got kicked out.
me thinking = OH NO! that sucks! he must be really trashed. he’s gonna call me to tell me that he got kicked out
-10 minutes later, no call…-
-I am in tears-
-I .. in my drunken state… assume he left me =( -
-I turn to alcohol-
-Bad things ensue-
Ok , so I freaked out on his birthday and I shouldn’t have done that. But, it’s true, I felt neglected. I felt alone. My friends were there and our mutual friends were there, so I wasnt, but I was. Even if he was that wasted, why didn’t he call to ask me where I was. It was so inconsiderate. I don’t want to be with someone who will just leave me in the dust because he’s too busy being popular. Becuase he’s too busy getting shots from other people. I knew that it was his birthday party, but what my friend said really struck a nerve and I should have been stronger than to let her get in my head. But I wasn’t, and I let her get into my head, and it was done. Things got worse throughout the night. I don’t want to put myself through further embarrassment, so I’m not going to elaborate.
I don’t know. You know I’m really worried for us. I’m starting to think we’re going downhill and we’re not going to make it. His friends have no respect for after the stunt I pulled on his birthday part, and my friends don’t like him because they think he neglected me.
And to top it all off, he’s being so spiteful about it and not letting me live it down. And when he gets pissed at me, he brings it up as leverage, as a way to validate himself! WtF? Why is he being so spiteful!
And he yells at me “You always make me feel like I’m in the wrong.. what about you?”
What about me? I know I fucked up on his birthday I KNOW IT, and he doesn’t even remember it because he was too wasted.
It’s just another thing for him to use against me. It’s like he’s tallying all the times that I fuck up.
And when he blows up on me and I get upset with him, I’m not allowed? What the hell?!
I try, I try to be calm and collected. I try to compromise. I try to admit my own faults. I try to be say, ‘No I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. I’m a little sensitive sometimes and I take things to heart when I shouldn’t’. But I feel like he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see that I’m trying to keep it together. That I’m trying to blow up and say awful things about him, because I don’t want to hurt him with my spiteful words.
I hate that we fight all the time about stupid things. It’s ridiculous. It’s absurd.
It’s unnecessary!
But we do.
and it scares me.
I don’t know… I’ll finish this later.
=(
im thinking of going organic.
or semi-organic.
but i really wanna make a lifestyle change.
but then.. i love food too much.
what a foggy path ahead
so let me tell you, I have this job and it’s really great it is really. But a part of me doesn’t feel complete. I feel like it’s not where I’m supposed to be. I love kids. I love helping the needy andthe disabled and giving them a purpose in life but I don’t feel lime I belong in that field.
I don’t like what I turn into when I’m working there. I become bossy and demanding. I’m prompting my 13 year old brother and doing behavior rehearsals with them. I’m coming home with cuts and bruises and I don’t feel like I’m part of the team. I don’t feel like I’m making a big enough difference or that the work I do is co tinually being judged and scrutinzed. I don’t like my coworkers. I feel worlds apart from them mainly because I’m awkward and my work doesn’t compare to theirs. They are amazing group of girls that do great things with the kids that they work with. They Re always on top of their game and they know what to do when I’m always confused. And it makes me wonder if I’m cut out for this. If this is what I’m supposed to do if I can really do this. And I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have what it takes. I felt the same way I did when I worked at a different school but I thought this time it would be different. And it was foe a little bit. I was trained better and everyone was at first welcoming. Butthen realized how much I suck at my job so they don’t really talk to me. Or maybe I’m just awkward. I tried you know. I tried to be all funny and talk to them but I always felt snubbed by them. And that’s annoying and that hurts you know. That kind of stuff is hard to deal with when you already feel like a complete outsider. I just want to do better at my job and pray to God that I get the opportu it to prove myself to these girls and do a good job. I pray for it every day.
But regardless of my failed relationship with the other teachers in my class I still don’t see myself working in the setting for the rest of my life. I see myself in a hospital or clinic. Working with people and seeing different walks of life and assessing different situations. I love anatomy. I love figuring out breaks and heals your body. I love it all. It’s what I want to do. I love pathologies and I love muscles and nerves and bones and tissues. I love learning about the body. And what a great thing would it be for me to work with ion a daily basis. It’s what I want to do. But I feel like I don’t have what it takes. I feel that I will fall short in my graduate applications. I’m feeling greatly disheartened. I don’t know if I should stick to my job a d out off graduate school or if i should immediately apply. But if I do the latter, what if I do not get accepted. What do I do then?
I have a lot of questions. And very little time to answer them.
