Annuiances. The Pilot Episode
Annuiances.
It’s a word I made that combines the words annoying and nuances.
I made this up becuase as I endured the Armageddon of Black Friday I started to think a lot. I started to think not becuase the Epiphany of Heaven and Earth has just shone through the clouds and winds, past the hords of shopping crazed tourists at Woodbury Commons and right on to my darling chapped and for the most part freezing skin, but because those Goddamned Japanese and Ukrainian rich yuppies ( I stood in front of groups of them so those are my examples, I’m not here to judge, that’s totally another post.) wouldn’t stop yapping away in their native tongue and giggling about how many goodies they just indulged in. Oh yay!.
No no no, I started to think, becuase that was the only way that I could keep myself warm, as opposed to punching one of these rich yuppie in their recently rhinoplastied nose. See I’m not a fan of jail and I have no intention of serving a sentence on the basis of me attacking an unknowing foreign victim, so therefore violence in public is a no-no.
So as I was thinking, I started to realize that i dislike certain things in the world, so I have made a list.
A list in which I shall call…
Annuiances.
1. Waiting in line to get the privilege to actually enter a store and purchase one or many of the said store’s most fabalously overpriced apparel.
2. Getting inside the said store only to see that the previous 9,248,719,824 customers who were so dedicated in flourishing the economy had successfully pillaged the said store and taken all its spoils since approximately 12:02:12 am on November 23, 2007. You were there at approximately 11:29:46 am… and you couldn’t even find a cute fuzzy hat at the Gap. You are slightly ashamed, incredibly disappointed, and even angrier at the Japanese, Ukrainian, and now Staten Island rich yuppies that constantly surround you. You will certainly need therapy. Everyone after Black Friday will most certainly need therapy.
3. If by some chance a store in which you frequent was overlooked by the Retail Angels of Death, you will feel blessed for a brief moment. But then you realize that the store was not overlooked, but rather the spoils have not been savagely taken. Instead the fantastic splendors and treasures were callously thrown about almost as if the products participated in a primitive fire dance. It was very sad to see such good mechandise recklessly racked up upon each other to the point that you cannot shop or even distinguish shirt from sock.
4. When your mother firmly insists that you stand in the 3.2 mile line that zig zags from the four corners of the store, so that she may not lose “our” spot in line while she solely goes perusing at the various items left from the monster hords of last night.
5. When your mother comes back after you have just p r o u d l y legged the last 2.7 miles in line (I mean you just owned that line good, you’re in the zone man, you’ve got that mentally, you didn’t let no one, NO ONE, get in between you and that assembly line of cashiers. You can fricking beat this… You are sooo money) only to have her to say that nothing looked good and that you guys are going to another store.
6. When you finally make it back to your vehicle and with all your purchases stored safely in the trunk and you head home. You take a nap and expect to see the welcoming and familiar doors of your house, only to really wake up to another 2 story rectangular structure with big red and yellow signs bellowing sale sale sale!
7. After enduring many various and creative amounts of legalized torture from retail stores everwhere, you decide to go use the restroom. Which of course there is a line for. But there was no surprise so there is no anger. As you are finally ordained worthy to enter a stall and rest yourself, you find that the toilet paper is low, so low there is only one sheet left. And for girls, one sheet is not enough. Most definitely not enough.
8. If the situation in the public bathroom stall was different and there was enough on the roll for one full usage, then that would be fantastic. But don’t get your hopes up, becuase when you look down you see a lovely yellow sprinkle on the seat and now the last of the roll will be used to wipe that most unsightly vision.
9. Having The Old Guy from the sandwich line and from the gas station smile at you and wave like a five year old school boy saying how cute you are… while your parents were in the car with you.
And last but not least…
10. After settling down from your 7am-5pm shopping shift you mother comes down and proclaims the schedule for tomorrow…
Wake up at 8am to hit up Macys.
Oh sigh… Black Friday.
How you have regressed humanity into the likes of King Louie and his troupes of dancing orangutans.
