everyday epiphanies

…

move away

and be a grown up.

I had a very interesting dream this morning.

I dreamt that I was going to go to work, just as planned for today. But it was quite early so it was still very dark. I was also staying in the housing in Bergenfield and no one was renting it out.

Anyways, as I was getting ready to go to work, I started up my car and went back into the house so then I can prepare a snack or breakfast or something while the car warmed up. Then I notice a shady looking car pulling up into the driveway right next to my car. I was concerned but didn’t act quickly enough so I watched on man get out and enter the car. Then I acted. I ran outside to catch up to the guy. He didn’t seem armed so I just ran into him and beat him to the driver’s seat. But the second I got in, there was another man who entered the car through passenger seat. So I was blocked in. He also had a gun. I thought it was a knife at first but it was gun. One of those older silver metal guns, the kinds that you would use if you were a cowboy or if you were a pirate. One of those kind of guns.

I lifted my hands up towards the sky like they do in movies and I was freaked out trying to think of a way to get out of my situation. The first man, the one that I beat to the driver’s seat walked away and disappeared, probably back into his car. The second man cocked the gun and started to threaten me. I was scared but oddly calm. The second man himself was not very belligerent, neither was the first. I feel that they weren’t bad people, but people making a bad decision. Anyways the moment the second man seemed to have not been paying attention, I forced the gun in his hand towards the ceiling of the car and started to shoot the gun off. I don’t know if that was a good idea to do in real life, but in my dream it worked. I kept on shoot it off, bullet by bullet, so then the man would lose his advantage over me. The first man didn’t come from his car until after I gained control of the gun from his partner. I then shot the second man in the neck. There was no blood. So I assumed it was blank and didn’t have any bullets left, that it was just shooting gun powder ( you see I don’t know how guns really work but it made sense in my dream) or I just grazed his neck and made a superficial wound.

The two men then ran away. I still had the gun, the car, and my life. I wasn’t scared then. But I didn’t feel any great power. I went to find my dad. I knew that he would know what to do.

It was daylight now and my dad was with a bunch of neighborhood friends. Drinking beer… it’s never too really to start the day off right, correct? It was weird. The setting of the table was long and wooden, like a park bench. My father was at the head of this table. As if he was the leader among the gang. When I pulled out the gun his friends stood up first. My father stayed seated. He did so throughout the entire time. I showed my dad the gun and I explained what happened. He didn’t touch the gun. As he didn’t want his prints to mix with mine and the other man. His friend did though. I thought that was odd.

and the end?

Interestingly peculiar… no?

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Just to add to my weird day:

A Black cat ran in front of my car today.
I almost ran it over. But I stopped in time to let it go.

I think it’s a sign for something.
Just like my dream.

i realized that in my darkest hours

music has saved me.

Thank You: John Mayer, Sara Barielles, Aimee Duffy, and Adele Adkins.

Special shout out to R. Kelly’s Ignition (Remix).

bounce bounce bounce yo.
bounce bounce bounce.

or should i just keep chasing pavements?

even if it leads no where?

… fuck yea.

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it’s taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

what a sad sad person i’ve become.

it’s funny because yesterday i doing strong. and as i was looking on the old posts on how much i’ve been able to climb up that mountain… he catches up to pull me back down. (ims me the second i realize that it’s going to be ok… then it wasn’t ok).

oh dear… this is a test .. this is karma… i dont know what i did… but i’m paying for it now.
but it’ll be ok because i’m going to over come it and i’m going to look at this situation and rise above it.

and one day i’m going to be happy. and he’s going to be happy. and i’m going to be happy that he’s happy… without me.

i need an emotional detox.

there is too much malice in my heart and i know that i am better than that. i cannot let it engulf all the good inside me.

i’m going to be a better person… a forgiving person… a person who doesnt hold grudges and sees the potential of others and can respect it with out being jealous. it’s going to be ok and i’m going to find that path.

everything happens for a reason, and in the end everything will turn out ok.

ok im done trying to make sense of this nonsensical stream of thought.

“I’m not together but I’m getting there. “

I took big steps this weekend.
So please no steps backwards. Just this time, let’s keep on moving forward.

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New Artist Obsession: Duffy
Songs Faves: Warwick Avenue, I’m Scared, & Serious.
Give those babies a good ‘hear to’.