This past weekend I went out with a recently acquired girlfriend who convinced me to participate in a date auction benefiting breast cancer awareness. The auction itself was an interesting experience and I realized that unless I had more confidence in myself I have no business being a part of something like that. My friend on the other hand reveled in it and was livid when she was only bought for 45, I 70, and others 350. Personally I was happy someone bid at 25. [ my starting bid was 25 and someone jumped it up to 60 woo!] Her reaction to her purchase is another story as I want to focus on something else about that night.
Anyways I was really concerned, insecure, and anxious that no one was going to bid on at me at the auction so I convinced my friend to attend the event. I was also hoping that he would bring a friend of his – codename: Captain McIWouldProposeToHimOnTheSpot. Well homeboy followed through along with Capt Wonderful. Neither one bid on me [assholes] or my friend [I kinda felt better about that]. But to progress the story along, the second my friend laid eyes on TallWhiteAndYummy, she was determined to flirt shamelessly with him. And the way that she flirts is a very aggressive, slightly mean, kind of emasculating, way of teasing. I get it because I do it too sometimes… all the time. Now I figured, no way. This kid is NOT going to fall or indulge this woman’s antics. 1) She’s annoying as FUCK when attention isn’t centered around her and her princess crown 2) She’s not that pretty just very skinny. 3) She’s really mean and feels entitled that men treat her like a rare diamond. So no… NO WAY is this AmazingMeasureOfAMan going to fall for someone incredibly self centered and superficial.
But just like everything else in my life… I. WAS. WRONG.
Homie most definitely indulged and flirted back. I barely spoke to the man. Towards the end I couldn’t stand it. I had to leave. My world was shaken. Who was this guy!? This is not the image I had pictured in my head. And HELL yeah did I look jeally. Oh fucking well. YOu know what. OK I’ll admit it. I was jealous. Dammit I sold for 70! Imeancmon!!!
Basically I just didn’t expect that. From her, yes. Him? No.
I guess now I’m just writing about this situation because I can’t understand a few things and I’m hoping writing this all out would help me sort it all out.
I didn’t understand why my friend would hit on this guy when:
She had a date after the auction lined up
She just got back from a date before the auction took place
She was texting two different (excluding the two above) men
And why does attention have to solely be centered on her?
Why does she get what I want and I don’t?
And no don’t say it’s because she’s aggressive and she’s a self starter. This isn’t a business proposition. This is an interaction with another human being. I don’t believe that you need to act like a lion on the prowl looking for lamb to slaughter. It’s not a conquest. It’s not a competition. It’s a person and getting to know them. She wasn’t getting to know him. She was telling him how awesome she is and how she deserves to be treated.
Honey, you should never rely on ANYONE ELSE to treat you the way you believe to be treated. That dependency on another person to make you feel like a princess is absurd. One of the biggest qualities of a woman is the independent ability to provide emotional stability for herself. Girl you don’t need no man to treat you like a princess, you just need yourself. Also something that pisses me off about this chick: her lack of humbleness. I’ll leave it at that.
I also didn’t understand why this dude was totally all about it!
But more importantly. I didn’t understand why I was upset.
Was it about the guy?
Or was it about the attention?
I think I’m adult enough to admit that it was the latter versus the former. It has nothing to do with the guy but EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I couldn’t get the same attention she was getting. It upset me and it made me feel unpretty.
But I realize now. Yup. Just now. That I can’t act like that. Attention is highly reinforcing but at the same time it’s not something I should rely on to provide comfort and reassurance that I’m attractive and worth the conversation. I need to know my own worth and exude that to others. Probably one of the biggest reason I didn’t get as much of a conversation is that he can tell that I was feeling insecure, anxious, and unpretty.
Anyways. It’s a journey isn’t it. Trying to find your pretty. Your importance. Your worth. But everything is a learning process. Everything’s a journey.
I’m tired.
goodnight.
*** Just as a disclaimer: There are a bunch of great things about my friend. She has a very great sense of humor and she does have a softer side. She is caring and considerate. She wants to be involved with someone but I feel that she is finding them in the wrong places. I also believe that what she is looking for doesn’t equate to the type of men her attitude leads her towards. aka girl is too damn bitchy for most men with a backbone.
