I missed him so much today I cried.
Whats wrong with me????
We weren’t even together that long.
He wasn’t even that great of a boyfriend.
He barely remembers any part of me.
I don’t undertand why I’m agonizing over a guy who doesn’t even care
The best part about the situation is that I feel that he has someone already. I just have that paranoid feeling and I can’t shake it. It’s not like he calls or wants to be a partnof my life. It’s just ridiculous because he told me last that he wants us to be on good terms and that he wants me in his life. He said if I want to text or call that I should always feel free. And I gave him a similar invitation but he doesn’t. And it makes no sense. So my only conclusion I can come up with is that he’s perfectly happy without me in his life and that he has since moved on.
And I haven’t.
This blows.
I need to muster up a lot of strength.
I don’t need to be torturing myself.
I need to be happy and I need to get over this.
I hate being a weakling.
Oh dear.
You know what I realized. I dint have a best friend. I never really did. My last best friend was when I was inthe first grade. Her name was Caroline and she was awesome. We would talk on the phone about the latest Barney episode and gossip about how Johnny Bravo ( yes there really was a guy in my first grade class named Johnny Bravo) was being really annoying and pissed off the teacher again. And then that was it. I never really connected to anyone else because I was just so scared of being judges for being me. I was 8. I’ve been carrying this insecurity since I was 8. I’m 23 now. I think I need to get over it. Because otherwise who would even want to be my best friend.
Anyways I’m not desperate for a best friend hut I’ll be honest. It would be nice to have that person you can always call or text or just say hi to randomly because ur bored. I don’t have that. I don’t have that person. I want that because life wools be just that more meaningful. It’s weird. It would be nice if I just came across a person, preferable a girl ( because I absolutely need a close female friend) and we just connect an click and we can talk about anything and everything. And there is no judgement, just acceptance of whoever each other are. That would be amazing.
I need a life. At least a better one where I’m not always moping about what I don’t have.
Maybe that’s another thing. But i thnk that’s for another post.
Btw. I love typing on my iPhone. It’s so awesome.
New toy, but confused me.
I love my new iPhone. It’s the neat new toy I could ever have. 
.
On another note. It’s still really hard to deal with what’s going on in my life. Nick and I broke up. And for some reason a part of me wants him to me back with me. But I k ow that nothing would have changed. He would not be the am. I needhim to be and I think he knows it as well. Separating is the best thing we could have done for each oher since there is still a lot of things we need to do for ourselves. Firstly I need to appreciate the people in my life. Especially those who are in relationships with me. I need to stop scrutinizing them and accept that thry have good and bad qualities. I also need to be one more secure and confident with myself otherwise I’m going to think that every guy I’m with will cheat on me. And that’s not fair to me or to him and it can lead to many future problems. Nick, well I don’t know what Nick needsto do for himself. He says he needs to fix Up his life so I gotta let him do it. I’m just afraid that these feelings that linger will never go away and then he finds someone else. I have to make a decision on whether or not I should hold on To these feelings or if I should let it go. It’s a very hard decision and it’s true, only time can help me make it. Life is really confusing right now and I need to protect myself because I see myself getting hurt very soon,very badly.
I should probably do my best to forget about Nick. I don’t think it’s going to be any good if I hold on like this. I definitely have to start putting myself first and thinking of what is going to best for me in the long run.
But still.
It’s hard as hell
A new song for thinking and feeling about is Leona Lewis’s “Happy”
Watch the video. It’s really great. It really speaks to me especially due to recent events in my life.
Damn
So Nick and I ended up breaking up after all. I dunno. Things are a changing. And it’s hard. But maybe it’s for the best.
since i last posted here.
i sorta kind cheated on my boyfriend.
he was an asshole. it’s no excuse. but he apparently made out with some chick at his birthday party in the clubs, where lots of people saw. and i was totally there and no one minded to tell me.. wtF?
he also wasn’t that great of a boyfriend. he punched holes in the wall and that shoulda been the deal breaker right there.
So instead i hooked up with this dude from my class. He’s older and douchier.
He became my boyfriend soon after i broke it up with the hole punching, other girl kissing asshole.
so after a few months of being with this older douche, it’s starting to fizzle.
listen he can be a good guy. but i dont know. i think things just calmed down and it wasn’t the way i thought it would be.
i thought he would constantly support me. and be there for me. i thought that he would always hold my hand when we walk down the street. i thought he would cuddle with me at bed late at night and in the mornings when we would wake up becuase the sun was so fricking bright. i thought he’d kiss me. and not just kiss me, but KISS me. like he liked me.
he used to say he loved me.
now he says he’s falling in love me.
i think we’re dying.
i makes me sad.
i dont know what to do.
Because this shit is empty and I didn’t want to post it on facebook.
Oh and I was procrastinating running 10 miles / studying for my exam.
1. I am afraid of worms. Not really afraid but I just highly dislike them and I find them unnatural. I don’t like things that seem unnatural. I get jumpy when I see them. I never had this problem until I went to Rutgers and I was always able to tolerate them before. Heck I used to play with them when I was four!!!!! I dunno… I just find them unnatural and thinking about them… kinda makes me wanna hurl and have a panic attack
2. I like to eat. Which is not really a random fact, but a known fact. I eat anything in front of me. Even if I’m not hungry. I think it’s due to my oral fixation ( yeah yeah lets get the dirty jokes out of the way.. but im serious I just like the act of eating itself) During summer school, my friend would be amazed at how much food I was able to pack and eat for only an 80 min class. During sophomore year of college, my roommate never saw me without food in my mouth or me preparing food and now at work, another friend would always catch me eating.
3. Purple is my proclaimed favorite color. But I actually hated it until I did some psychological thing where I forced myself to like it. It happened in highschool. My friends made this art club where they drew anime and brainstormed manga ideas. In true anime fashion, each person had their own color and nickname ( blue, red, & green). I wanted to get in on the fun and I had ideas swirling in my head for mangas! But their rationalization as to why im not part of their special club was because I didn’t have a set color or a set nickname ( Oh and I totally sucked at drawing manga!). Well one day, my bookbag broke and I had to resort to his awful barney looking one strap bag from the Gap. I was railed… so I turned a negative into a positive. And so I used to try to get into the club! But you needed actual talent and skill which I didn’t quite have.. so fail.
4. I sleep with a stuffed toy penguin at night. It looks mad old, like I’ve had it since I was 4. I’ve had it since I was 15. I used to fight with my 5 year old brother about who gets to sleep with Mr. Penguin. I was dedicated to my man. My brother’s 13 now and to piss me off, he tries and steal Mr. Penguin and occasionally threatens to throw him to Snowball, my ravage Papillion dog. (that dog tore apart the stuff toy I really did have since I was 4… asshole pup!)
5. I procrastinate. A lot. It frustrates me that I don’t find the motivation to work at a timely manner. I wish I was better at that. But thinking of it makes me want to procrastinate more.
6. I’m stubborn beyond belief. I hate being told what to do. If you want me to do something, manipulate me into believing it’s something I want to do. But I’ll probably do what you want me to do…. Eventually because I need to convince myself that I want to do it.
7. I lack follow through. I have great ideas and fantastic ambitions, but I’m my own worst enemy. I guess I’m so afraid at failing at those things I want to do, that it’s not worth the jump off.
8. I’m a huge hypocrite. I can admit it at least. I try to stay consistent but I have this problem where I just want to agree with people and make them happy and tell them what they want to hear, that I’ll say yes to one thing and one person, and then I’ll say yes to another thing and another person that completely contradicts what I agreed to earlier. It’s weird
9. I like the number eight. I think it’s better than the number 9. Eight is infinity. No beginning, no end.
10. I probably spend about 40% of my day on facebook. It’s a procrastination tool I use. I told you have a jump off problem and facebook is my medium for failure. I even gave it up for lent one year in hopes that I would free myself from its evil clutches… did not happen.
11. I do this weird thing, where I try to use commonly used phrases like “I don’t leave any stone unturned” but I mess it up because I don’t quite remember them correctly and instead I say “I don’t leave any corner unturned”. In fact sometimes, I have to google the correct phrase before I say it. Because I look like such a fool by messing up these phrases!
12. When I’m drunk… I magically know all the words to most Red Hot Chili Peppers songs and maybe even Bon Jovi songs. I hate Bon Jovi. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but singing along to them is hard!
13. To further explain number 12, I can’t remember a lyric for the life of me. Even if I drill the chorus, I can still manage to fuck it up and make up my own words.
14. I used to play the violin and the piano. I secretly wish my parents weren’t typical Asians and constantly nagged me on playing and practicing. Honestly, what the fuck did they know? I know that it doesn’t good, I did not need you telling me that I had to practice more because I sounded awful. You just made me not want to practice. I quit because of them. I kinda hold a grudge against them for that.
15. I wish I had more friends so when I want to get away and go on vacation, I’ll have people to go with.
16. I don’t clean up. It’s another part of my procrastination. I know that it’ll get messy again, so why bother?
17. I don’t sleep on a bed. I sleep on a sofa. My parents don’t love me.
18. I love to watch movies, but I hate watching movies twice unless I really like it or it’s on one of those movie channels. I won’t pay for a movie twice and I will not suggest getting a movie from blockbuster if I’ve already seen it. If it does happen, I will be talking for the entire movie.
19. I secretly wish to quit my job and open up a bakery. Too bad I a) don’t have good baking skills and b) have amazing eating skills… but that means that I’ll eat all that I bake.
20. The friends I have in high school, barely talk to me now. I guess it was college, personality changes and various drama that happened amongst each other. A part of me wishes that we can let that all be water under the bridge… but let’s just say I’m not losing sleep over them not calling me. I’m pretty apathetic about it now at this point.
21. I judge people. Absolutely. But then I get over my judgements and let the people either prove me wrong… or unfortunately prove me right. This is a bad quality because I have missed out on many possible friendships because of my judgements. And it actually put me (and still puts me) in awkward positions with many of the people I interact with.
22. I used to do muay thai. I got my ass kicked by a Spanish chick who was about 5 inches shorter than me and three years younger than me. Then we had rematch… she still kicked my ass, but not as hard as before. I held my own. xD
23. I don’t like milk chocolate. I like dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is too sweet and after awhile its disgusting.
24. Yeah I eat cereal! I can eat that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. SPECIAL K! BASIC 4!!! HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS!!! wtF –notices cereal box is empty- .. MA where’s my fucking cereal?!?!?! (yes everyone I’m referencing my favorite youtube clip haha) But in all seriousness, I think I like cereal more than I like rice.
25. Because Kara asked for a shout out. Brower breakfast is the shit. Fuck all of you haters. There’s nothing better in the morning other than greasy bacon and questionable looking omelette mix to make that hang over go away. <3 oh and breakfast is probably about the only thing I can cook. Omelettes, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles, you name it and I can whip it up like nothing. Legit meals like steak and chicken franchaise are beyond me.
This is fucking bullshit
apparently i only go on this thing when i need to rant.
but let’s be realistic, the sole existence of this is for me to rant on.
So let’s do this…
Dear WordPress,
I have recently started to date this guy . He’s super nice and sweet and he bought me flowers twice. He’s a good person and doesn’t have bad intentions. He really did get me hooked the second that I started talking to him. We immediately started to date. It seemed to fit so well, there weren’t any reason not to. It’s been about two months. It’s really quite new.
But we fight like it’s the end of the world.
It’s the way savages fight for food, when they know that the apocalypse is coming, and they need stock up in case they survive the impending doom. We fight so ferociously it’s frightening.
And I don’t know why.
It’s incredibly ridiculous why we start too!
I can say something with a tinge of sarcasm and he blows up over the phone. Listen, I know that I’m insecure. I know that I’m crazy. I know that I have issues. But who in the world doesn’t?! Ok, so let’s say that I have more issues than most normal people ( which I don’t think is true, everyone has some crazy shit they are dealing with) But it’s lets just say, for the sake of argument, that I am beyond repair. Let’s just say that I’m just so crazy and that he is a saint for dealing with my fucking bullshit.
So here’s an example:
Sunday Night
me: hey when are we hanging out again?
him: on tuesday!
me: oh yeah ? I didn’t know that?
him: yup, tuesday, we’ll hang out.
me: what will we do?
him: hmm, i dunno yet, we have monday to figure it out.
me: ok then! we’ll figure something out.
Monday Evening
me: so what are your plans for this week since you’re on spring break?
him: hmm well im gona go to Ac, then on wednesday I’m gonna hang out with you…
me: no on tuesday, you said so
him: was it tuesday? umm.
me: yeah, you said so …
him: oh well um, i found out i have a dinner on tuesday actually
me: oh … -kinda ticked off-
him: yeah
me: oh…. thanks for telling me in advance
him: yeah i just found out today.
me thinking = what the fuck? we made plans on sunday………
me: oh …ok then. um.. who are you going with
him: my friend hannah.
me thinking = what the fuck? he fucking double books, completely forgets about our plans, and doesn’t even invite me to dinner with his friends as a compensation for being a dick….
me: oh yeah i remember her. who else are you going with?
him: her and matt
me thinking = what the fuck, i’m actually friends with matt!
me: oh wow well that sounds like fun.
him: are you mad?
me: well i’m a little annoyed, you should have told me earlier.
him: well i just found out today
me thinking = BUT YOU FUCKING MADE PLANS WITH ME FIRST YOU ASSHOLE! If I was in that situation, i would have rescheduled with Party B or combined the dates.
me: yeah, but still you know.. i can be ticked off.
him: you know whats with your attitude? why do you always make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends?
me thinking = WHAT THE FUCK ?!???!?!?!??!!??!?!?!
me: i dont try to do that! it’s just you made plans with me first, then made plans with someone else, and didn’t tell me and i had to find out the wrong way and you didn’t even ask me to reschedule. i’m allowed to be ticked off.
him: well i’m sorry i was going to ask you to reschedule and it came out the wrong way.
me thinking = that’s fucking bullshit. you should have told me the second i asked you what your plans were for the week! OMG YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG!
me: listen, just don’t worry about it, i’ll get over it.
him: this is fucking ridiculous
-start the 30 minute yelling match-
I dunno about you Dr. WordPress, but I think he overreacted.
But listen doc, I’m a crazy bitch. And a crazy bitch at the worse times too.
Here’s an example:
His birthday party in hoboken:
friend: yo, where’s you’re boyfriend?
me: eh he’s around getting drunk with his friends
friend: oh yeah, must be really popular
me: haha yeah he is actually, he has to make his rounds. what do you think of him?
friend: he’s cute. good job!
me: haha thanks
friend: yeah but he’s so MIA… lets grab a drink and look for him.
me: yeah good idea
-looks for him for about 20 minutes… no luck-
me: I dunno where he could be. He must just be bouncing back and forth between places.
friend: yeah… probably
me: lets grab another drink and maybe we’ll bump into him.
-20 minutes later, no luck, we’re on the line to the bathroom-
friend: yo! isn’t that you’re boyfriend? -points at asian man in white jacket entering men’s stall-
me: omg yeah!, Hey ( i dont want to use his real name so let’s call him Jack, after Jack Daniels) Jack!
-Jack doens’t hear me-
- I follow him to the men’s room-
me: are you ok?
him: arl gaeo;u f gwou dafi -drunken slur-
bouncer: sweetie, you’re not supposed to be in here
me: I know… -i leave and get back on line-
me thinking = he must be really drunk….
friend: wow he’s wasted
me: yeah .. it’s pretty bad.
-Jack leaves men’s room, walks right past me… i grab him… and try to kiss him, I haven’t seen him all night. I miss him =( -
-Jack barely responds…. it’s no use, I let him go. He walks away-
me thinking = omg he’s so drunk… =(
( im not gonna lie, at this point, I felt really neglected and … alone. but I gotta brush it off)
friend: dear, i dont think he’s that into you. that you’re on different levels. He doesn’t seem to care.
me: but he’s drunk. he’s probably had like a gazillion shots.
friend: fuck that, if i had that many shots, i’d be all over my significant other.
me: no don’t say that. he’s just really drunk -about to burst into tears-
-Jack is walking towards me, tries to hides the tears-
-Jack walks past me… through doors, past me… WTF?-
me: where is he going? Jack
friend: Omg he just got kicked out.
me thinking = OH NO! that sucks! he must be really trashed. he’s gonna call me to tell me that he got kicked out
-10 minutes later, no call…-
-I am in tears-
-I .. in my drunken state… assume he left me =( -
-I turn to alcohol-
-Bad things ensue-
Ok , so I freaked out on his birthday and I shouldn’t have done that. But, it’s true, I felt neglected. I felt alone. My friends were there and our mutual friends were there, so I wasnt, but I was. Even if he was that wasted, why didn’t he call to ask me where I was. It was so inconsiderate. I don’t want to be with someone who will just leave me in the dust because he’s too busy being popular. Becuase he’s too busy getting shots from other people. I knew that it was his birthday party, but what my friend said really struck a nerve and I should have been stronger than to let her get in my head. But I wasn’t, and I let her get into my head, and it was done. Things got worse throughout the night. I don’t want to put myself through further embarrassment, so I’m not going to elaborate.
I don’t know. You know I’m really worried for us. I’m starting to think we’re going downhill and we’re not going to make it. His friends have no respect for after the stunt I pulled on his birthday part, and my friends don’t like him because they think he neglected me.
And to top it all off, he’s being so spiteful about it and not letting me live it down. And when he gets pissed at me, he brings it up as leverage, as a way to validate himself! WtF? Why is he being so spiteful!
And he yells at me “You always make me feel like I’m in the wrong.. what about you?”
What about me? I know I fucked up on his birthday I KNOW IT, and he doesn’t even remember it because he was too wasted.
It’s just another thing for him to use against me. It’s like he’s tallying all the times that I fuck up.
And when he blows up on me and I get upset with him, I’m not allowed? What the hell?!
I try, I try to be calm and collected. I try to compromise. I try to admit my own faults. I try to be say, ‘No I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. I’m a little sensitive sometimes and I take things to heart when I shouldn’t’. But I feel like he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see that I’m trying to keep it together. That I’m trying to blow up and say awful things about him, because I don’t want to hurt him with my spiteful words.
I hate that we fight all the time about stupid things. It’s ridiculous. It’s absurd.
It’s unnecessary!
But we do.
and it scares me.
I don’t know… I’ll finish this later.
=(
