love letters to my demon

I’m simply obsessed with you.

I miss you. It hurts to think of you and know that I can’t even be around you. I dream of laying next to you. Holding you, pressing my temple against your bare chest and feeling your warmth. Touching your skin with mine and feeling knowing that this is all I’ll need. It nourishes me and gives me more strength to love you.

I see your smile. Goofy. I’ve always called you goofy and you hate it. The lilies have bloomed except for one. The scent fills my room with memories of us. You asked, “Why didn’t you take a picture to preserve them?” Well because I wanted to wait for all the buds to bloom so I can see the beauty of each flower.

I remember you shape. When you play basketball. You’re getting better. Daddie helped you improve your shot. I admired you when you were playing with my father and brothers. I’m sorry for not having showed you my appreciation of the bond you were trying to create. I was so selfish and I just wanted you to stop playing so I can be with you.

I envision our future. Our wedding. Our home. Our children. Playing in our lawn. Walking our dogs. Loving each other after years and years of commitment. These are things you promised me.

I believed them. I believed you. I believed us.

I sit here now and I wonder what could I have done to make it better? What could I have done to prevent you for doing what you did? Why did you do it? Didn’t you see how much you meant to me?! You meant more than my life. I risked it every time for you. For us.

And I’d do it again.

Because I’m obsessed with you.

heartbroken

I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken.

It hurts beyond belief that I can still care about a man who willingly acts violently against me and has done nothing to change it. How can love work that way?

It is nonsense.

I still love him and I know it’s a sick trick of the heart. A foolish notion of humanity which causes attachment towards other people. But apparently the mind is not stronger than the heart, and yet the heart is so deceitful and dangerous. It showers your soul with falsehoods of hope that fairy tales are possible, but treacherously blinds you simultaneously. Then it lures you into despair that reminds you of all the dark realities of the universe. The heart is an awful creature. It snivel and sneers in jest of your naiveté. It preys maliciously on petty and trivial feelings such as hope and love. It eats you alive. It turns you black inside.

I feel black inside.

All I see is him. I’m drowning in the memories of “the good times” and willing to experience the hurt because the emotional pain is worse than the physical now. I’m deluded with the believe that if I try, just this last time, it will get better. I have to do my best this time around and I will be rewarded. It’s like a gambling addiction. One more time and then I’m done. But instead you are dragged down deeper into the vicious black pit of more agony and pain.

It’s so confusing!

How can I allow myself to stay involved in a dangerous situation. I mean, soldiers volunteer themselves into a dangerous environment to protect and serve their country. Maybe I’m just doing this so that I can save his soul. (Or maybe our souls are one and destined to be intertwined… the delusions never stop).

This had to have happened to a reason. God does not do things without one. Is this punishment? Is this a lesson to be learned? What did I do wrong to deserve such a punishment? Such a debilitating lesson? We met on a cruise. The chances of meeting someone is beyond rare. The chances that the same someone went to your same alma mater and lives an hour away from you is even rarer. The chances that you guys have a handful of friends in common makes this even more absurd.

Why didn’t this work out? It was there! Everything! The chances, the coincidences, the degrees of connection. It seemed so “meant-to-be”. Why was he the way he was? Why did he hit me? Why did I let him? Why didn’t I stop him?

Why wasn’t I stronger?

Why weren’t we?

Sometimes you just gotta let it go

I cut it off with Joshua. Of course I had to. It was getting to be too much. And I don’t know what was going on. But I was not ready to be just friends. A piece of me was still hoping that he’ll want to rekindle the spark we had. But that wasn’t going to happen so I just cut my losses. You live and learn right? And at least it wasn’t like the last Josh that burned me. He was not cool.

I think I did the right thing for myself. I know what I want and I gotta find someone who’s willing to pursue the right things. I just gotta do me.

Are we moving to Splitsville?

He and I are on a break.
because he’s a douchebag boyfriend who would rather cancel night plans with his girlfriend on their anniversary and instead go out to dinner with his female friends who he just HASN’T seen in SUCH a long time ( girl1 he saw three weeks ago, girl2 he talks to constantly on aim/phone and was at his house a week earlier, and girl3 he works with….. seriously) and then go out clubbing with them to another girl’s birthday party… who he made out with once and tried to get with.

wtF?

And I’m the one feeling like I’m the bad guy in the relationship. I’ve done some pretty shady and emotionally insecure/unstable things to this guy, but Jesus this is the second time he has done this ( refer to previous post).

I as a person deserve better than this. No amount of dinners, flowers, nights out on the town, can compare to how… secondary he makes me feel. I understand that he has a lot of friends and that he’s a popular guy, but he can’t constantly put me on the backburner when it’s convenient for him to do so.

And let me reiterate… I’m the one that feels like I’m the bad guy. That I’m the one who has done the terrible job and that I hope and pray he’ll call and take me back. But the good Lord and I both know that Loverboy is gonna go do me wrong again. How do you know that you ask? Well because the first time he did this to me, I talked to him about it and we were ok. Then he does it to me a week later. wtF? Kid needs to learn how to listen. He’s in a relationship with another human being he has to learn how to be considerate. Or even yet… practice common courtesy. When you have plans with Party A…. DO NOT make plans with Party B. Or have the audacity to cancel plans with Party A ( on your effing anniversary) to hang out and club with Party B.

I’m not asking for a lot. Just fucking to think ahead and realize… “Oh shit.. maybe just maybe, I shouldn’t try to cancel plans with my girlfriend we made them about three days ago. Maybe I should spend quality time with her. Yeah maybe I should do that.”

Asshole.

Seriously.

This is fucking bullshit

apparently i only go on this thing when i need to rant.
but let’s be realistic, the sole existence of this is for me to rant on.
So let’s do this…

Dear WordPress,

I have recently started to date this guy . He’s super nice and sweet and he bought me flowers twice. He’s a good person and doesn’t have bad intentions. He really did get me hooked the second that I started talking to him. We immediately started to date. It seemed to fit so well, there weren’t any reason not to. It’s been about two months. It’s really quite new.

But we fight like it’s the end of the world.
It’s the way savages fight for food, when they know that the apocalypse is coming, and they need stock up in case they survive the impending doom. We fight so ferociously it’s frightening.

And I don’t know why.

It’s incredibly ridiculous why we start too!

I can say something with a tinge of sarcasm and he blows up over the phone. Listen, I know that I’m insecure. I know that I’m crazy. I know that I have issues. But who in the world doesn’t?! Ok, so let’s say that I have more issues than most normal people ( which I don’t think is true, everyone has some crazy shit they are dealing with) But it’s lets just say, for the sake of argument, that I am beyond repair. Let’s just say that I’m just so crazy and that he is a saint for dealing with my fucking bullshit.

So here’s an example:

Sunday Night
me: hey when are we hanging out again?
him: on tuesday!
me: oh yeah ? I didn’t know that?
him: yup, tuesday, we’ll hang out.
me: what will we do?
him: hmm, i dunno yet, we have monday to figure it out.
me: ok then! we’ll figure something out.

Monday Evening
me: so what are your plans for this week since you’re on spring break?
him: hmm well im gona go to Ac, then on wednesday I’m gonna hang out with you…
me: no on tuesday, you said so
him: was it tuesday? umm.
me: yeah, you said so …
him: oh well um, i found out i have a dinner on tuesday actually
me: oh … -kinda ticked off-
him: yeah
me: oh…. thanks for telling me in advance
him: yeah i just found out today.
me thinking = what the fuck? we made plans on sunday………
me: oh …ok then. um.. who are you going with
him: my friend hannah.
me thinking = what the fuck? he fucking double books, completely forgets about our plans, and doesn’t even invite me to dinner with his friends as a compensation for being a dick….
me: oh yeah i remember her. who else are you going with?
him: her and matt
me thinking = what the fuck, i’m actually friends with matt!
me: oh wow well that sounds like fun.
him: are you mad?
me: well i’m a little annoyed, you should have told me earlier.
him: well i just found out today
me thinking = BUT YOU FUCKING MADE PLANS WITH ME FIRST YOU ASSHOLE! If I was in that situation, i would have rescheduled with Party B or combined the dates.
me: yeah, but still you know.. i can be ticked off.
him: you know whats with your attitude? why do you always make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends?
me thinking = WHAT THE FUCK ?!???!?!?!??!!??!?!?!
me: i dont try to do that! it’s just you made plans with me first, then made plans with someone else, and didn’t tell me and i had to find out the wrong way and you didn’t even ask me to reschedule. i’m allowed to be ticked off.
him: well i’m sorry i was going to ask you to reschedule and it came out the wrong way.
me thinking = that’s fucking bullshit. you should have told me the second i asked you what your plans were for the week! OMG YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG!
me: listen, just don’t worry about it, i’ll get over it.
him: this is fucking ridiculous
-start the 30 minute yelling match-

I dunno about you Dr. WordPress, but I think he overreacted.

But listen doc, I’m a crazy bitch. And a crazy bitch at the worse times too.

Here’s an example:

His birthday party in hoboken:

friend: yo, where’s you’re boyfriend?
me: eh he’s around getting drunk with his friends
friend: oh yeah, must be really popular
me: haha yeah he is actually, he has to make his rounds. what do you think of him?
friend: he’s cute. good job!
me: haha thanks
friend: yeah but he’s so MIA… lets grab a drink and look for him.
me: yeah good idea
-looks for him for about 20 minutes… no luck-
me: I dunno where he could be. He must just be bouncing back and forth between places.
friend: yeah… probably
me: lets grab another drink and maybe we’ll bump into him.
-20 minutes later, no luck, we’re on the line to the bathroom-
friend: yo! isn’t that you’re boyfriend? -points at asian man in white jacket entering men’s stall-
me: omg yeah!, Hey ( i dont want to use his real name so let’s call him Jack, after Jack Daniels) Jack!
-Jack doens’t hear me-
- I follow him to the men’s room-
me: are you ok?
him: arl gaeo;u f gwou dafi -drunken slur-
bouncer: sweetie, you’re not supposed to be in here
me: I know… -i leave and get back on line-
me thinking = he must be really drunk….
friend: wow he’s wasted
me: yeah .. it’s pretty bad.
-Jack leaves men’s room, walks right past me… i grab him… and try to kiss him, I haven’t seen him all night. I miss him =( -
-Jack barely responds…. it’s no use, I let him go. He walks away-
me thinking = omg he’s so drunk… =(
( im not gonna lie, at this point, I felt really neglected and … alone. but I gotta brush it off)
friend: dear, i dont think he’s that into you. that you’re on different levels. He doesn’t seem to care.
me: but he’s drunk. he’s probably had like a gazillion shots.
friend: fuck that, if i had that many shots, i’d be all over my significant other.
me: no don’t say that. he’s just really drunk -about to burst into tears-
-Jack is walking towards me, tries to hides the tears-
-Jack walks past me… through doors, past me… WTF?-
me: where is he going? Jack
friend: Omg he just got kicked out.
me thinking = OH NO! that sucks! he must be really trashed. he’s gonna call me to tell me that he got kicked out
-10 minutes later, no call…-
-I am in tears-
-I .. in my drunken state… assume he left me =( -
-I turn to alcohol-
-Bad things ensue-

Ok , so I freaked out on his birthday and I shouldn’t have done that. But, it’s true, I felt neglected. I felt alone. My friends were there and our mutual friends were there, so I wasnt, but I was. Even if he was that wasted, why didn’t he call to ask me where I was. It was so inconsiderate. I don’t want to be with someone who will just leave me in the dust because he’s too busy being popular. Becuase he’s too busy getting shots from other people. I knew that it was his birthday party, but what my friend said really struck a nerve and I should have been stronger than to let her get in my head. But I wasn’t, and I let her get into my head, and it was done. Things got worse throughout the night. I don’t want to put myself through further embarrassment, so I’m not going to elaborate.

I don’t know. You know I’m really worried for us. I’m starting to think we’re going downhill and we’re not going to make it. His friends have no respect for after the stunt I pulled on his birthday part, and my friends don’t like him because they think he neglected me.

And to top it all off, he’s being so spiteful about it and not letting me live it down. And when he gets pissed at me, he brings it up as leverage, as a way to validate himself! WtF? Why is he being so spiteful!
And he yells at me “You always make me feel like I’m in the wrong.. what about you?”
What about me? I know I fucked up on his birthday I KNOW IT, and he doesn’t even remember it because he was too wasted.
It’s just another thing for him to use against me. It’s like he’s tallying all the times that I fuck up.

And when he blows up on me and I get upset with him, I’m not allowed? What the hell?!
I try, I try to be calm and collected. I try to compromise. I try to admit my own faults. I try to be say, ‘No I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. I’m a little sensitive sometimes and I take things to heart when I shouldn’t’. But I feel like he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see that I’m trying to keep it together. That I’m trying to blow up and say awful things about him, because I don’t want to hurt him with my spiteful words.

I hate that we fight all the time about stupid things. It’s ridiculous. It’s absurd.
It’s unnecessary!

But we do.
and it scares me.

I don’t know… I’ll finish this later.
=(

thinking about…

Alright. this is gonna long and it’s not going to make much sense.

So let’s just think about this for a moment or two and take a nice deep breath.

In the last 9 months, I have bounced between various stages of confidence, morality, emotional stability, and girlish insanity.

I had a boyfriend
Then I didn’t.

He came back.
I took him back.
But I fucked it up. Partially because I’m a masochist and can’t stand to be in a happy, drama-free relationship, and partially because I wanted to be the bitch that broke his heart.
This plan backfired.
He left.

Then I came back.
He didn’t take me back.
Kid was smart, he caught on to my tricks.

God do I love drama.

So in an effort to rid myself of any emotional attachments to this X-love, I embarked in morally questionable actions, actions unfitting of a lady. I obviously did not want to be a lady, but a Samantha Jones inspired woman who treated men like things. I flirted. I flaunted. And I never went home alone. (Don’t worry, in this awful phase I still had my dignity and didn’t sleep with any of them)
I called them fillers.
Occupancy checks.
People to fill the void and the emptiness of a lonely bed. Just having a warm body to hold at night was enough for me. I didn’t care who I hurt or offended during this phase. All I saw was me, trying to achieve some smidgen of happiness at the end of the day. It was like a cheap dime bag of bad marijuana. It wasn’t the pure shit that would get me to fly like paper or get high like planes, it was just awful wanna-be bad ass bullshit that gave me a little blip of feeling.
But I was confident. I felt that I can do what I wanted when I wanted and not answer to anyone but myself. I didn’t care what people thought of me or that they would talk about be behind closed doors. I was doing my own. Taking care of my needs, regardless of how superficial they were. This worked for a little bit.

But I knew that I had to calm down. So as things started to wind down, I broke off ties with all my acquaintances. Saying things such as “I can’t guarantee that you’ll ever see me again. Sorry” or just plain ignoring their calls/texts. I didn’t care. I had no intention of keeping them around longer than the end of the month. But I was honest with them. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was looking for a good time. An unattached spontaneous good time. So there were no surprises.
I was letting go of my selfish, boy toy, don’t give a shit phase.

Then just as I was learning from my experiences between the break up and the occupancies, some guy came along. Swept me right from underneath. He was the equivalent to a right hook I never saw coming.
But He was great. All I could have asked for and more. I didn’t want to get involved since he had history with a friend and I was working on my morals and tried to go by the phrase ” chicks before dicks”. Yeah didn’t quite work out.
Because.. dammit
So ok, Fine. Let me admit it. To the whole online community.
I really liked him.
First guy that I really liked since X.
God did I really like him.
the worst and saddest part… is that I still do.
But he left. Stopped contacting me for whatever reason. I’m too stubborn, proud, and afraid to contact him. Regardless, our relationship seemed to dramatically sour. So I didn’t see a point in working on it.
But I miss him.
Or maybe I miss the thought of him. What he offered, what he symbolized.
Because I think the reason why I liked him so much is because… he was a nice guy. And what we had was so casual but so comfortable. The best thing I’ve had in years. Better than the relationship with X. I smiled more. And it was because of him. I had a lot of hope for us.
I guess my expectations were too high. X told me to always keep low expectations, so then you’d be happily surprised if something good came up, and never disappointed if something bad came up instead. This was the best thing I learned from X. Too bad I didn’t listen.

So as things started to crumble with this guy, I started to wonder.
About who I am, and what makes me attractive. And not just to other people, but to myself. What makes me happy and confident to be me?
I started to wonder about why I desperately want to be with someone. When can I be fulfilled and happy with myself? I have goals. and plans. I want to travel and see the world. I want to visit Big Bed, Trafalgar Square, Le Louvre, the Running of the Bulls, the white beaches of some random Pacific Island, and I want to go to see the Buddhist Temples in Asia and the Koalas in Australia. I have dreams of adventure and meeting people from different walks of life. I want to volunteer abroad and change the lives of other people less fortunate than myself. Dammit I want to make a Difference in the world that I live in.

But maybe I’m holding myself back for … Love.
Shit…what kind of emo-hippie notion is that?!

I want to be in love. I really do. Sometimes I feel like Charlotte York instead of Samantha Jones.
Maybe, I’m in love with Love. I just want the fairytale. I want the Prince Charming and I want the Happy Ending. But this isn’t Disneyland. Nope. People fall in and out of love. They get married, they get divorced. They move in together, they move out. There’s no commitment. No dedication or loyalty to one another, just selfish people trying to fulfill their own egotistical and superfluous needs.

Anyways, I’ve come to a conclusion about this entire boy, love, man, needing to be with someone, fiasco. I realize that I need to be confident in myself and my own two shoes before I should really go out trying to find someone. I have some soul searching and some self finding to do. I need to learn how to be happy as an independent woman. I need more friends and I need more fun nights out. I need to be happy with what I do. And honestly, I don’t get the best pay in the world, but I feel like I’m making a difference with what I do. I love my kids and I love the school. As much as I complain, bitch, and sometimes bleed or bruise, I really do enjoy working with them. And I want to get to graduate school. I want to be an OT so bad. And one day, I want to study abroad and use my knowledge to help people who do not have the resources or the access to my practices.

So, I realize I’m lonely. But not just because I don’t have a guy to be with, but because I feel like it’s me against the world. That I don’t have any friends nearby. Well dammit, I need to step out of my shell and put my best foot forward. I think that is what I really need. Just a good time, to remind me, that everything is going to be ok. That I am ok.

asdj;oai rgpq

god i hate boys.

So…

Does Distance really make the Heart grow Fonder?

Or… is it really Out of Sight, Out of Mind??

-big sigh…………-

crazy

so i just spent the past fourth of july weekend in a car, driving from New Jersey to Oklahoma.

For what may you ask? And Oklahoma?! Now what is waiting for you there of all places?!

Well… for a Boy of course.

hmmm……

What silly whims I make. It was worth the trip though.
And I’d do it again.

Boy or no Boy…
Well probably if there was a Boy involved.

oh god…

…Justin Nozuka.

What a hot piece of musical um.. yeah

Half Japanese, Half White, and All Musically Sexy.

It’s the best of both worlds.